How Embracing Failure Can Help Our Children Succeed
Should our kids be returning to school during a pandemic? Everyone has their own opinion about their kids returning to school during this time. Schools across the country are varied on the type of protocol to follow and struggling with the in-person versus virtual learning debate. Just the thought of virtual learning, especially for our youngest learners, gives me anxiety, but the possibility of having to teach my kids at home also does too.
I think we all can agree that no matter the environment, we want to help our kids succeed and get the best education possible. The idea of being a lifelong learner is something we can instill in our children at a young age.
Recently, it has become more important to me to show my kids that I don’t know the answer to everything, and that’s okay! Teaching our kids to find answers for themselves and guiding them to problem solve in unknown situations, is critical for their schooling success.
Children have this notion that once they become grown ups they’ll know everything. There is also an embedded notion that once they finish school or graduate college, they’ll know everything they need to know in life.
At this stage in our lives, especially as parents, we can see how this notion is not only incorrect, but short sided. We have the ability as parents to discourage this way of thinking. There is also an arrogance to that particular way of thinking that does our children a disservice when it comes to growing into an accepting and open-minded adult. I believe that in admitting our own failures and showing our children how we can transcend those shortcomings, we can actually do the best parenting possible.
I recently read the book, “The Gift of Failure: How the best parents learn to let go so their children can succeed,” by Jessica Lahey, and it completely changed my perspective on how to guide our children through their school years. Lahey is an educator, speaker, and writer. I appreciate her easy way of identifying modern parenting pitfalls and giving great advice. In the book, she discusses a few common pitfalls and some helpful alternatives to deviate from these often discouraging patterns.
She also includes in her book, questions and answers she’s proposed to her middle school students, which I found truly eye opening and unexpected.
After reading this book, I’ve come to accept that I have many overbearing parental tendencies. Though I feel much more prepared to fight some of these tendencies, I will definitely be referencing her book again in the future. I don't want to give too much away, because I think it's a really important read. Below are a few quick takeaways that really resonated with me.
Giving rewards: treats, toys, money for grades etc. (Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!)
How this affects your child: They might get you good results short term, but in the end it does not encourage your child to actually learn the material and they eventually get bored with it. Plus, you will have to keep changing the reward to different and greater things.
Praising your child’s inherent qualities: Using phrases such as, “You did great on your test! You are so smart!” “You are so talented with your drawing.” (I’ve done lots of this! So have many people in my family)
How this affects your child: it is much more effective to praise them for effort. If they can see that intelligence grows with effort, they won’t be so crushed with failure. They will be more inclined to stick with it, rather than give up, when they realize they are not the best at something. The example Lahey uses is saying, “Great job on that test! What did you do this time that helped you prepare?” Or “I’m proud of you working so hard on shading, it really shows in your drawing.”
Rescuing your child from consequences of their mistakes: i.e. dropping of their homework they forgot at home (I would immediately feel the need to do this!)
How this affects your child: Our goal as parents is to help them gain control after failing. This could be devising a plan on how to be better prepared so they can succeed. By rescuing them, we are simply stopping them from problem solving themselves.
We all can learn so much from our children’s failure. Failure is a completely normal part of life and it does not have to be a negative experience. Children shouldn’t be afraid to fail. We can help prepare and support our kids, instead of inadvertently pushing anxiety and shame eventually affecting their feelings of self worth. I had many takeaways from this book. For me, I want to be supportive without being a helicopter mom. I want my kids to know that I am always there to support them emotionally, but also available to help problem solve when those failures do come. I want them to know that failure is expected and not something to fear.
